Father, Abba, my-daddy-now,
It’s me. Your more-than-just-adopted-child.
I long to hold your hand, to cross all these streets of life with your physical body next to me, looking both ways and guiding.
I long to lean back against you and feel your heartbeat, the steady rhythm of life and love that flows so deeply and fully.
Please, Father, understand: I know you walk with me. You carry me in the difficult times. I know your presence abides in me.
But it is also so very easy to doubt. Like Thomas. He walked with you, talked with you, loved you. And yet he doubted.
This is on my mind because I have a request. I will not follow the example of our nemesis, Adam and Eve. I will not hide. I will not run from your favor.
I have feared asking because I have felt selfish and small, conceited and arrogant because there are so many desperate needs in this world. My needs seem so small and yet so loomingly-over-my-head-large.
I need for you to provide all my needs according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
You bless for Your glory so we can bless those around us for Your glory.
I do desire to bless and give and help people. But right now I can’t focus. I doubt.
I doubt my ability to be a good wife.
I doubt my parenting skills.
I doubt what I am to do on a daily basis to most benefit my family.
I doubt how we will pay for the broken down pickup (again). And how we will find and pay for land we want to lease to grow our business. And any of the number of things that come up on a day-to-day basis.
I know, I know. You own cattle on a thousand hills, You don’t have to remind me.
Yes, I remember how You provided for us that time…well, so many times. Your provision has been amazing… but that’s what I can expect from You, isn’t it?
Of course I know that You know what’s best, You know what I really need.
But God, I don’t need that much character. Really. Sometimes these trying times wear on me. It’s hard to say and do and be all the right things all the time.
Well, yes, I do want to be more holy, but why does it have to be so hard to get there?
What it comes down to then, is that I need to be given peace, Your peace, as I wrestle with the answers.
Speaking of answers, will you please tune and turn my ears and heart to hear your answers? Clear and concise answers. That seems to be the hardest part: moving forward without fear, without doubting that decisions made are wrong or foolish or if I’m in the will of God.
I know you care about my dreams. I long to move past these seemingly silly frustrations, problems and fears so that I can be useful and make a difference in my little turf of the world.
And God? If I do not get a reprieve from these frustrations, problems and fears, will you give me the strength and wisdom to handle them as you would? I would so love to see Your hand working in these situations. To see the triumph only you can give. The lasting legacy only of your making.
As Solomon prayed, “…give me wisdom and knowledge as I come and go…” Wisdom and knowledge with your blessing is all I ask for.
In a world that seems to be falling apart at a rapid pace, live through me in what I say and do, to bring your hope into all situations.
My main request is that everything we put our hand to prospers. I know your prosperity doesn’t always look like the world’s, so please give me your perspective, your patience and your love and your eyes and heart to see my situations as you do.
All my Love,
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